Episode 4, 07/01/2009 – Henry VIII, Baller or nasty ho??

When I made plans to return to England, I wanted to do things that I hadn’t already done before. Hampton Court was definitely on the list. An extremely brief summary: Hampton Court was a court that Henry VIII, pimp of England and father of Elizabeth I, made in the countryside to get away from the hassles of court in London (and the plague). The countryside is not so much countryside anymore and the royal family no longer uses the palace, but it’s now a very lovely museum which charges JUST below the fine line of “ridiculous” for entry. Dad and I took a 45 minute train ride from Victoria to get to Hampton Court and began our journey into the past.

Some commentary: it’s easy to understand Henry VIII by looking at his palace. Why do I say this? It’s the character of the place, really. The hunting lodge was where Henry would receive his guests, which doubled as the main dining hall. His bed was about 3 times larger than he was (and that’s saying something). And his page’s room was located RIGHT next to his, in the event that he need the slightest thing, he barely had to mumble to get the page’s attention. It’s good to be the king. Henry was such a complicated character. On one hand, he’s like the precursor to the entire show “Entourage.” On the other hand, he had so many venereal diseases, the guy’s body literally jiggered around when he was sitting down. Ick. Poor Catherine Par… It’s funny to me because Henry’s…err…lusty desires for a male heir created a whole new religion. A single man’s penis brought millions of future souls into the Church of England. And the man wasn’t too abashed about creating a gorgeous chapel to make peace with God… In any case, I’ll stick to describing the palaces, what say?

There are two palaces in Hampton Court. Henry VIII’s palace, which he created and used in his lifetime and wasn’t used much past then. About half of the spectacular grounds were furnished under his reign. And then you’ve got the William & Mary palace. Like in modern times, William & Mary loved the location, but weren’t crazy about Henry’s decorating sense. What’s a decent self-respecting monarchial duo to do?? Build another palace right next to/on top of it! Note that this is in a completely different style (Baroque) to Henry’s Tudor fancies. Oh, how I love the English…Or whatever William and Mary were…I’m not exactly sure. Netherlands, methinks.

In any case, Henry’s palace IS impressive, very Tudor and all that. A spectacular chapel finished by Christopher Wren is the highlight. We met this cute old British lady who helped explain to me while the styles/genres are all funky (solution: Christopher Wren designed it). She worked there…and you could tell she enjoyed it. I love meeting people like that. After we toured Henry’s palace, we went and had some victuals in the Hampton Court cafeteria, and coffee since I was half-dead from sleep.

We resumed the tour by going through part of the William & Mary side, then interspersing it with grounds exploring. The William & Mary side certainly is more elaborate and Baroque (and you know how I hate Baroque), but I think I ended up liking it better because it was better preserved and interesting. I learned a whole lot more from it than I think I did with Henry VIII (FAIL on the part of the audioguide by the way).

Interesting side note: William & Mary had some pretty neat taste in artwork, including a decent collection of original Caravaggios. I first heard about Caravaggio from David, one of my tios from Sevilla. Caravaggio was a 17^th century dude who pioneered Baroque painting and has got some CRAZY good pieces (look up his version of Judith beheading Holofernes if you want a shocker). Oh, and a clarification: my beef isn’t with Baroque painting. I love it very much. My beef, so to speak, is with Baroque architecture. In any case, Caravaggio is excellent, and it was really nice getting to see some of his better works in an unexpected place.

Now to the grounds. The grounds are the best part about Hampton Court. Henry’s are great little clumps of rose gardens, immaculately manicured (even today), flecked with statues of Greco-Roman mythological characters. Plus, it harbors (lolz) the largest continuous grape vine in Britain (lol pun…laugh, child, laugh!). William & Mary’s side is the larger, more sparse side. But then again, Henry’s side has a tennis court. Plus, a labyrinth... *naughty giggles*. I’ll just leave it at that.

Hampton Court really is a blast, and I’d recommend it highly. After finishing up with it (and the gift shoppe), we went back and caught the last bits of Wimbledon on the telly before dinner. Oh, and speaking of dinner, remember way back when we had our obnoxious/ineffective tour guide for the Bath/Stonehenge tour? Well, he had recommended to us “Ask,” a cheap Italian restaurant chain for dinner. Now, how do you pronounce that, exactly? When he was talking about it, it was like a scene out of “Singin’ in the Rain.” Ahsk, as he said, is the American equivalent of Ask. After that snobby and confusing suggestion, we decided to check it out that night. It was neither good Italian food nor cheap, and the portion sizes were too small. It was also unbearably hot in the restaurant. Thanks, tour guide. We got cookies from the market and went home.